A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Buy Lasix Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.

She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.”

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment, I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following Buy Cialis Professional Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

“what’s up?” he asks

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important, but it’s only Scotland. They’re rubbish and we can’t be bothered”

Kaká looks at them ad says: “Well, I reckon I can beat these Scots by myself. You lads go down the pub”.

So Kaká goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads: “Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Kaká 10 minutes).” He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers: “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on:

“Result from the stadium: Brazil 1 (Kaká 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them: “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.” “Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes…”

It’s wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business Buy Bactrim Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground Buy Topamax Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their Buy Nexium Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behaviour.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands. As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. The only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the Buy Cialis Online Pharmacy No Prescription Needed two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, “We have to be on the look-out. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties. “The other responded, “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, “We will never forget you.

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.”

The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.”

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: “God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.”

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, “Thank God you’re here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!”